As Mini Milk turns one, I've found myself reflecting on how different my experience of motherhood has been this time around. There is over a decade of an age gap between my two boys, and a world of difference to my experiences of being their mother. I had barely turned 18 when I had Half Pint (if he'd not been so late, I'd have still been 17), I had only just left school, and in the last few weeks of my pregnancy I found myself single too. Ten years older, wiser and more settled, I became a mother again.
I have always felt that I had it pretty lucky as a teen mum, in terms of attitude from others. Maybe that was to do with the fact that I was an older teen, maybe its simply because people in my area hold their tongues better, but whatever the reason I've not had the same experience as other teen mothers I've met. I know girls who actually had negative comments made to their faces, from utter strangers, when they were simply doing their shopping or walking down the street. These have ranged from plain rude to outright abusive, and most of the time were sparked by nothing more than the fact the mother looked quite young.
I also know I've been very lucky in the support I had from my family. They not only helped me raise Half Pint, but also ensured that doors to opportunities such as a university education and the chance to still go out and have fun didn't slam shut in my face just because I had a child when I was young.
But even though I probably had it a lot more easy than some others, I can still notice inequalities between parenting as a teen and parenting in a more "respectable" age bracket. I've tried to narrow these down to three areas, though I could probably write a novel on the topic!
Shocked Reactions and Rude Questions
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| looking too young to be his mum |
The biggest difference I've noticed is that I no longer need to brace myself when I admit to being a mother. People barely seem to blink when I say I have a baby these days...at least, until I drop the "and an eleven year old" bomb, and then all the old familiar shocked expressions get an airing.
I don't get the accusatory "but you don't look old enough to have a baby!" comments this time around either...comments that always politely insinuated that I was
too young to be a mother. Maybe it's because I look so haggard these days, but it's refreshing to not have to justify my status behind jokes about good anti-wrinkle creams.
I've also noticed that people seem to respect your privacy more readily when you are a mother of an approved age. I don't think I've been asked once whether Mini Milk was planned, or whether I'm still with his father, yet with Half Pint this seemed to be the natural flow of the conversation. Followed by the awkward silence when I answered their questions honestly...
And of course, this time around I also haven't received the patronising "well done you" verbal pat on the head. Obviously once you pass 20 it is no longer a shocker that you can be both a mother and hold down a job/have a home/not look like
Vicky Pollard/hold a conversation without calling in Jeremy Kyle/etc stereotype etc.
Place on the Mummy Totem Pole
I have never been in the mummy crowd, a crowd which seems to embrace all shapes and sizes and colours and classes and formats of mother...but not all ages. As the only teenage mother of Half Pint's year group (despite the fact I was in my 20's by the time he started school, the hat seemed to remain firmly in place), I have always been on the fringes. Women who you wouldn't ordinarily have grouped together seemed to mesh tightly at the school gates, but I never felt part of that tapestry. There have been the stand-out few mothers that always have a smile and some polite small talk, but even now after seven years of parents evenings, sports days, birthday parties and school runs there are a noticeable number who still look through me like I don't exist. In many ways this is more hurtful and has caused me more damage than I could imagine an ignorant comment from an old biddie in the Co-Op might have been.
This time around I am obviously yet to encounter the school gate hierarchy, but I can see the differences and also see the impact my past experience has had on me. Though ten years has passed, I am still younger than a lot of mothers I have met at clinics or groups. Even though that age gap is smaller now, I still feel it just as big as if I was 18 again. It's a struggle trying to appreciate that I am now on a more even footing with most of these women, and am in fact older than a small number of the others. I certainly feel accepted more readily, but I struggle to get comfortable in groups of other mothers thanks to years of always feeling like the outcast.
Baby Wrangling Confidence
This time around I made a point of signing up to a baby massage class and heading along to play sessions for under ones most weeks during my maternity leave. This was a huge leap from how I was with Half Pint, when I didn't even have the confidence to attend my antenatal class post-birth meet up. I didn't attend playgroups either (though my mum took him when I was at uni, so he didn't miss out), and on speaking to other teen mums it seems that is quite common - unless there is a dedicated young mum group or they have at least one other young mum friend to go along with, teen mums stay at home.
I have the confidence now to go wherever I want with Mini Milk in tow, but it was a lot different when I was younger. I used to feel people were judging me when Half Pint cried or had a tantrum in public. And now I've experienced those things with Mini Milk I have noticed that people
do react differently - when I was younger I would either be drawn looks or have people
telling my son that I hadn't done this/that/the other thing right. Now, people either just share a sympathetic smile with me or just simply let me get on with being yet another mother with a crying baby.
And of course the biggest difference is that I feel no shame in declaring that
I have kids! When I was pregnant with Half Pint, I actually left my job at 30 weeks pregnant without telling anyone besides my boss that I was knocked up. I even denied it when one particularly nosy co-worker asked me straight out if I was. I avoided talking about being a mother to most people in my undergrad class at uni, and it would be the last thing I told anyone new I met. Now, being a mother is who I am and I couldn't be prouder. My boys shape who I am - Half Pint probably has more of a hand than anyone else in who I am today. I wear my title as a badge of honour and I wont let anyone make me feel as if anything removes that privilege from me, least of all my age. I just wish I'd felt that way ten years ago.
I'd love to hear what you think of my experiences, so drop me a comment. Are you or were you a teen mum? Do you identify with anything I've said or were your experiences very different? Is there anyone else out there with two very different experiences of motherhood? Let me know!
