From Fat To Skinny And Back Again - My Slow Weight Yo-Yo

Ok, so it's time to address the elephant in the room.  That elephant is me.  Calm down, you don't need to tell me that's not true - I'm not fishing for compliments.  The simple fact is that I am currently 10lbs over the upper limit of a healthy weight for my height, so am officially overweight.  Not as overweight as I was after Mini Milk was born (I have shifted 37lbs of baby weight plus 13lbs more...though 9 of those have crept back on since Easter), but there is still more junk than I should have in my trunk.

2002...high weight

In the past eleven years my weight has done a  s-l-o-w  yo-yo. I went from fat to slim in about three years, stayed down there for about five years, and then shot back up in the two before my pregnancy with Mini Milk. I began my journey as a noticeably fat teenager, and then I added a pregnancy into the mix to end up actually obese once Half Pint was born.  I got to the point where I was shouted at in the street for my size, and on nights out would ask a friend to go to the bar for me as I couldn't bear to stand there so exposed.  I realised that life shouldn't be lived that way, and so for the first time I decided to do something about it - I joined a slimming group.

I found that Weight Watchers was the only one of the groups I tried that actually taught me anything, and as a result I lost all the weight, got down to a healthy weight for my height and became a Gold Member (not as dodgy as it sounds - it just means free lifetime membership).

2007...low weight

Life changed dramatically for me, and not just in terms of the size of my wardrobe once clothes shopping was no longer a post-modern form of torture.  I became someone, rather than just existing on the edges...and that felt good.  So good, in fact, that I kept shedding the weight until I got more than a stone under my goal weight.  I even briefly worked as a Weight Watchers leader, preaching what I practised.

I stayed slim for five years, but the weight started to pile back on when I took an office job.  I left behind a career which involved long shifts spent mainly on my feet, and took a job which - with a commute and desk work - required me to sit on my bum for 12 hours a day.  This change also saw my non-work time shrink, and that had a knock on affect on my exercise levels.  It also saw me giving up my side-line of working as a Weight Watchers leader, which was itself a major motivator for staying slim.  But the biggest impact this change of work had was to my happiness levels - I went from feeling fairly accomplished and positive about my work and self, to feeling stressed, stupid and unappreciated.  For me, feeling that way leads to food.  Lots of food.  And the more food it lead me to, the worse I felt, and so I just buried myself in more food...lather, rinse, repeat.  I lost all focus and handle on my diet, and tried to ignore the fact that my clothes were getting quite tight (and that those size tens hadn't left the hanger in quite a while).

A stone over my goal weight, I was too ashamed to rejoin the Weight Watchers class I had once been the leader of.   And then we decided that the time was right to try for another baby.  We were working to a limited time scale, so there wasn't time for me to get my body under control or to address my lapsed eating habits...if anything they got worse, as I just totally gave up.  Not exactly how I'd always pictured my second pregnancy, and I came out of it my biggest weight in about seven years.

Seeing my body without a baby bump to hide behind finally flicked a switch in my head, and when my beautiful Mini Milk was just two weeks old I bit the bullet and headed back to Weight Watchers.  I was so nervous that I was physically shaking as I walked into the room.  Thankfully, most of my members had moved on since I took the class, and those who were still there were very supportive of me.

I lost weight consistently - even over Christmas - until around April/May.  Since then I have spent more time off or trying to clamber back on the wagon than I have comfortably sitting at the reigns.  I know what I have to do, but my motivation and focus have been failing me.  Part of this is due to the fact that although I don't feel slim, I no longer feel as obviously fat as I was when Mini Milk arrived.  You would think fitting back into some of my old clothes would spur me on, but instead of lighting a fresh fire under me it has felt more like a comfortable slipper.  But I know I am not at a point where I like what I see, I've simply reached a point where I don't hate it quite as much.  But that isn't good enough.  I want to be...if not happy, then at least content with my body.  I need to find way to kick start my journey. 

So I cast my mind back to what I did the first time I lost all the weight.  Obviously I ate within my limits, tracked everything I consumed, did some exercise and went to my meetings every week.  But I also blogged.  I wrote about my feelings, my achievements, my set backs and then I shared it with a select few.  Doing that kept me accountable and it also meant my mind never strayed too far from my goal.  I need that if I'm going to get back on track.  So my Weight Wednesday entries from this point out will also include a weigh-in, and even on weeks when I don't have a specific topic to blog about I will still be putting my progress out there.  The only person who can lose this weight is me, and this is my way of making myself accountable.

Anyone else on a weight loss/health improvement/body acceptance journey?  I'd love to hear any tips you have at how to get my head back in the game.